Why I fed my child artificial milk (TESTIMONIAL)
A testimonial from a mother of three children (*).
I see you coming, you say to yourself that I smoked, that breastfeeding is mother's milk at the breast, or at a pinch mother's milk from a bottle. And then that's all.
But even if I fed Samuel with a bottle of artificial milk, he and I experienced it as breastfeeding.
To clarify, not breastfeeding is a choice. I couldn't see myself depriving baby of food if I wasn't nearby, and I knew that I would have this need to go out, to go out of the house for more or less long periods of time. To be more available for my baby, I need to have time for myself, to get away from it all. I see you coming, you're going to tell me that we can express his milk so that dad gives it by bottle. But I was afraid that Samuel was one of those babies who have great difficulty alternating between breast and bottle. And there I would feel trapped.
I risked poisoning my baby
Also, with my pesky illnesses, lack of sleep can cause me to have a significant number of seizures. So I need to alternate with dad. For his greatest pleasure of course. Not bottle feeding my milk isn't really a choice. I was very attracted by the idea of an exclusive breastfeeding pump without ever putting the baby to the breast. The advantages without the constraints.
But I take antiepileptics. To my knowledge, none are safe for breastfeeding. We can sometimes breastfeed with Lamictal but the data are still lacking. I couldn't carry out this nursing pump calmly knowing that maybe I was poisoning my baby. Powdered milk is certainly not the ideal baby food, but it is not harmful either.
It will therefore be artificial bottle feeding. But I experienced this breastfeeding in a very intense way. Of course my body didn't feed this baby. I didn't have the pride of feeding him with my body, of being his answer to his vital needs. I did not benefit from the same bath of hormones.
But what we felt baby and I was very close to breastfeeding. We are fused, the bottle is almost exclusively given to me. I have a hard time delegating this task to anyone. I feed him. Besides, when I come home in the evening, he only asks for food when I arrive. Dad shares other moments with baby like the bath. It is a distribution that is found a lot in couples where the baby is at the breast.
I had a very painful and, above all, very long let-up. Today, 6 months after giving birth, without any breastfeeding, I still have milk flowing in the shower. In my head I'm not ready to stop this lactation. Somewhere in my brain, my body sends the message that I am feeding my baby.
A close relationship
But there are other stronger signs. Signs that I could not explain otherwise. For a long time, Samuel and I had a strong and exclusive connection. Although he was sleeping in his bedroom upstairs and I was wearing earplugs (Mr G was watching the baby monitor), I always woke up a few minutes before Samuel asked for his feed. Yet he made no noise. Even at two o'clock in the morning, I woke up fresh as the morning dew. So I knew, I knew he was going to cry. I have never been wrong. Even today, I hardly lay my head on the pillow when Samuel starts to cry. He feels that I will no longer be available to him.
Samuel for a long time could only fall asleep if he was against me. A garment with my smell was not enough. He needed the heartbeat, to feel me against him. I have never experienced anything similar with my jujus who were also bottle fed.
So yes it may seem weird to some. But nothing is all white or all black for me. The world is in shades of gray (not in 50 shades, in infinity). I need to tell myself that despite everything, I was able to get closer to this breastfeeding experience. That I didn't completely miss out on this experience. That anyway, breastfeeding is much more than passing nutrients to your child physically, it is also an emotional experience, and perhaps not contingent on the fact of giving the breast.
(*): This testimony was originally published on the WorkingMutti blog.
