Pansexual, Polyamour, Metapartenaire… The new love code
"Rather city dwellers, favored backgrounds, adolescents and young adults have entrusted" M "their vision of love and sexuality, rejecting traditional boundaries of gender, couple or desire.
Since this is the subject, since great love agonizes, whether it is blessed with poets, the Church or the State.A like Adam, 25, Parisian, tenor singer: "We live a time when we are told that we are free of lots of things, but we tend to be lost due to the pressure of this freedom and, suddenly, to hang on to speeches or groups.Freedom, from the moment it is fantasized, moves away from something simple.It’s like you had to have a strategy from the alarm clock.»»
A like today and maybe anymore tomorrow?Above all, do not deduce that this project, this stir-child outlines only a passade.Those we have met with no open door.In all these stories, the questions are more important anyway than the answers.
Vera, 16 years old, the pale and sweet features of a kid who comes out of childhood, met on a Saturday, with her parents in Cachan, near Paris: "Words allow you to put themselves somewhere, not to be completelylost.Do not put words, just being, it's great!But, for us, this is a confused period in all areas, so words, it helps us, it gives us benchmarks.»»
It goes up to college (see C), as a claim, a set or a parade. « C’est alors très anarchique, parfois juste une blague ou juste un fantasme, l’idée que tout le monde peut être bisexuel»», se souvient Adam du haut de ses 25 ans.
Eve and Alexander are college students in a private establishment in Paris.They are 14 years old, have been friends for all young people, their parents are sup ’or exercise intellectual professions.Eve: "There, now I go out with a boy, but I think I don't like him anymore, that I am more attracted to the body of women.»»
Alexander: "At one point, when I was told gay, I didn't like that, it made me vulnerable.Now I show that it doesn't hurt me, I assume it.But there are times when I still prefer to say that I am bi, especially when I am with boys.Homophobic remarks, they come from boys, not girls.»» Etre bi sonne chez elle comme de l’audace, chez lui comme une protection, une identité plus facile à porter que l’homosexualité.To be bi is sometimes a passage.
Vera: "I started to feel it in fourth.In third, I said to myself bisexual, and now I feel lesbian.I'm still discovering it, it changes, I am a lot of names.It’s weird to say that it’s an identity that attracts you and at the same time that you don't want an identity.Standards are locking up, I would just like to try things, to be what I want.»» Grandir, c’est frotter les mots à la vie.
Jean, 20, a chemistry student in jussieu college, presents himself as bisexual and polyamatrous.He has a lover, lovers and sometimes lovers, who therefore know the existence of each other."I sometimes be attracted to men, but I find it hard to hear myself with them, it often goes less well than with women. Tout ce conditionnement… L’homme est très encadré…»»
Adam, the most advanced in life, redone the course: "Before the third, I was flirting with the girls, but I had a more effeminate side than my friends and I felt that seduction with girls would be complicated because of that.Towards the third, during a school trip to Germany, I told myself that I could flirt with guys.I felt bisexual.In high school, it became more painful with girls.Why don't I find a girl, I'm not virile enough?It's hard not to be loved because we are not in the dominant codes.I only accepted it recently, that is to say years after.»»
"It was not the same forms of desire, but for a while, yes, I had as much desire for women as for men.And the girls with whom I had sexual or love adventures were also bisexual.Then, in the end, it became simpler with guys.But I had a girlfriend a year ago, it lasted four months.It was very nice, she was 19 years old, we were talking about settled together.It was more great ideas than real things when I think about it ... It finally stuck on identity issues: I was not clear with guys, she knew my ambivalence, at the beginning it even interested her, but, very quickly, she felt threatened, she felt that she could not manage that, she dumped me.»»
Suffice to say the old regime.Dad and mom have often shattered, but they leave their children the slightly lost adult spectacle although free than their own parents.
Jean: "My parents stayed married for twenty -one years, they divorced five years ago, when I was in second.They did not communicate with each other, never talked about what they felt.My mother was smothered, shy, she had met my very young father.When they separated, I quickly understood that my parents were teenagers, it was heavy, they reproached themselves for lots of things.My sister and I felt it was up to us to take care of it.When I was in a relationship, it was very fusional, but stifling, I had no time for me.The couple blocks the development of thought, it leaves no room for individuality.I prevented myself from feeling things for others, I felt like I was a robot.»»
Adam: "When my parents divorced, I was 5 years old, it forged my vision, the certainty that personal happiness does not only hold by the couple.So much shouting ... Then my father was never stable with a woman.I have never been too long as a couple.The idea of what it had to be took precedence over the relationship.I am looking for it less than before.I no longer have this fear of loneliness that all beings have.»»
Eve: "When I was in CM2, my parents divorced, my father became homo.It was never taboo.My older sister is gay.I still ask myself questions.»» Elle se souvient d’une discussion, d’un garçon de sa classe qui a dit : « Ça doit être horrible d’être Eve, d’avoir une famille gay.»» Elle n’était pourtant pas mécontente d’avoir troublé quelque chose dans la tête des autres : « Ça avait ouvert une grande discussion dans le car !»»
So it's as a college since that's where it shudder.Adam: "The college is where all the codes are the most installed.At this age, you have to be lucky, meet the right people, those that help you accept your weaknesses.»» C’est la chance d’Alexander d’avoir Eve et vice versa.It was to her that she talked about it first.
"We were sitting on the wooden stairs of the college.There was no one around us.I told her, Eve, I know you can imagine, I'm gay.»» Eve a gardé le secret. Et lorsqu’il l’a révélé publiquement à une fête, elle a ajouté comme pour l’épauler : « Moi aussi»», même si elle n’en était pas sûre du tout."What is funny," she adds is that in CM1 Alexander was in love with me, he had offered me heart-shaped cakes.»»
Quelle est la différence entre l’amour et l’amitié ? C’est une question que se posent souvent les polyamoureux qui veulent en finir avec « la monogamie toxique»» et croient aux relations plurielles tant qu’elles sont transparentes."I looked for the difference, it is not a notion of degree, desire, non-dessir, I did not find. J’ai même plus envie de savoir, j’ai envie d’aimer»», répond de loin une jeune femme au Café de Paris, rue Oberkampf, dans le 11e arrondissement.
Nous sommes au « café poly»» de Paris.The polyamoureux find there the fourth Tuesday of each month.Jean advised me to go there (the same kind of meeting exists in major provincial cities, according to the Polyamour site.info).He saw my look lost when he told me in front of his cup of green tea: "My lover, I feel in love with her;My lover, I love her.Theoretically, it's the same thing, but for me there is a step between the two.»»
A priori, rue Oberkampf, it's beer and big screen on football evenings.But it happens in the back room.The walls have not been refreshed for a long time, they are still lined with an old red fabric, decorated with crusts telling Montmartre, suggesting a filiation with the free-thinkers of another century.They are more than a hundred inside.A majority between 20 and 30 years old, but some are older.
« Le polyamour est-il un concept anarchiste ?»», demande Jena, qui lit les questions écrites déposées dans une boîte en carton qui tourne et revient vers la scène où se tiennent les organisateurs du café poly.One hand rises.Jérôme wants to answer: "Why not.There may not be a rule.Anarchy has rules, it has never been chaos, as we said too much.»»
Zorro way, like Vera in class: "Third, during math, I hear a guy behind me who asks two girls if they are lesbians.I turn around, and I say to him, "Do you mind?Because, I am, finally I am bi, but I am attracted to girls.»It changed the class.I felt good, I liked to talk about it.A classy guy told me after he didn't love me too much, but he had found my outing well.»»
Saying it first to his mother, who often understands better, according to Jean Le Polyamoureux."My mother, she was curious, she asked questions.It is at home that I live, so she sees several of my friends pass. Mon père, il trouve juste ça cool que j’ai plusieurs amoureuses, mais sur le mode macho : “C’est bien mon fils» !»»
Say ... or not say.Vera remembers a young girl who breathed her that she also loved girls, that she needed to share it with someone, but that it had to remain ultra -secret.Saying is a privilege.Those who speak here can also do it at home around the kitchen table.But they bring back other whispered words, like those of a young girl from a Muslim and strict family who dreams of being a boy.Does her body really itch?Or is it just the desire for a skin where it would feel more free?Impossible to meet her.
"My cousin told me the other day that, in his college, it is the war of homos and heteros," says Eve.It may be a little racist to say that, but it is simpler in a college in Bobos. En tout cas, ça bouge partout ! A New York aussi !»» Sa cousine est juste d’un autre quartier parisien. « Partout»» serait la somme des quartiers et des grandes villes du monde où s’immergent et émergent plus facilement les avant-gardes, les nouvelles vibrations culturelles et sexuelles. « Partout»», parce que la mode, la musique, comme toujours les arts, ont déjà mis en avant ces identités volontairement troublantes.
But the vast majority of territories remain crossed by habits, religions, precariousness, frustrations and taboos. Les repoussoirs traditionnels règnent encore sur les cours d’école, « Le pédé, la pute et l’ordre hétérosexuel»», pour reprendre le titre de l’article de la sociologue Isabelle Clair publié en 2012 par la revue Agora, qui circule beaucoup depuis. Alors, reconnaît Jean, installé en terrasse pas loin de sa fac de Jussieu, « il faut du temps et se sentir en sécurité pour se poser toutes ces questions»».
It is surely the limit, the modesty of our interviews or their taste for deconstruction, but we hear more reflection than the drive.
"Desire is wilder, more difficult to formulate, I don't know how much I separate feelings," explains Adam.Me, I had as much desire for women as for men, then, finally, it was more animal, more raw with men.With them, nothing sacred, surely because I have little hope in man, I expect nothing, while with women it turned into fantasy.It is that it always went better with my mother than with my father, and I always listened to my grandmother, she inspired me.All that transforms women into saints, it paralyzes me, the sexual act becomes an assault.I understand it now, but not at the time.»»
Desire becomes a form of commitment.There is never any question, to listen to them, of a fantasized ideal, of a type of man or woman, of a top model, actor or actress who would make.No physical criteria.They refuse the model and the stigma.Eve, vaguely repentant: "I liked a slightly homophobic boy.»» Alexander, assis à côté d’elle : « Elle était folle de lui.He was also transphobic.»» Eve : « Il disait des trucs qui paraissaient ahurissants.I don't know why, I liked it.»» Alexander : « Elle l’aime encore.»»
Eve, his 14th anniversary, his upheavals."Often, I saw myself later, having relationships with men, but marrying a woman and having children with her.»»
E as children.Sophie, heard in the back-room of polyamatreux: "I am often told when I talk about polyamour:" But do you want children? "This question annoys me.Monogamy does not mean stability.I can be poly and have a relationship for twenty years.It is not because I love other people I love less.»»
F as a feminist
Keyword claimed by all.Girls and boys.Word that alone contains the abolition of male domination.Racine word, therefore. « Oh, oui !»», disent-ils.
Old -fashioned word when they were born, more or less twenty years ago.Word of the sixty-eights remaining machoists.Word they put on the job."My sister is very feminist.I like to listen to him tell me what's going on, the injustices whose girls are victims.Again yesterday, in a dinner, guys often cut off to women. Je ne veux pas être dans le rôle de l’agresseur»», dit Adam. Il cite une phrase du sketch si sombre et si drôle à la fois de Blanche Gardin La Première Fois : « Les hommes n’ont pas du tout conscience de cette violence qu’ils nous infligent dans la sexualité…»»
Vera wears a short navy blue skirt that day, a light bright brown square."I also borrow a lot of my father's clothes, I had very short hair, I like being taken for a boy, I would like to play more with the codes.I sometimes feel limited in being just a girl or a boy.»»
Même son de cloche dans le café des polyamoureux : au moment de prendre la parole, on fait suivre son prénom ou son pseudo d’un pronom, « car il y a parmi nous des personnes comme moi qui ne veulent pas être assignées à un pronom ou à un accord»», a prévenu d’entrée l’animatrice sous ses longs cheveux mauves.That evening, we could hear Marin (he and her), Sophie (she), Jade (he and she) Olivier (he)…
The double pronouns do not necessarily let see transgender.The genre fades or thwarts.We cause the binary and anatomical system.We invent a third genre that would be neither or the other or the other.It is the ultimate revolution, that of an era that would have completed every big collective evenings, and repelled each to themselves and their mirror.They put the seriousness, the stiffness and the gravity of all the revolutions.And then, there!rain of words in English since the Americans go very quickly as soon as it is a question of flambbering individual freedom.
G like genderqueer, or strange genre, g as gender-neutral, neutral genre, or genderfluid, fluidity of the genre ... a heterosexual boy can ask his friends to say she speaking of him. « Mais une fille devenue mec, enfin, transgenre, qui sort avec une fille, elle est bi ou lesbienne ?»», demande Alexander.They also get lost.
Ils adorent et téléchargent « RuPaul’s Drag Race»».Rupaul, American drag-Queen who emerged in New York clubs in the 1990s, is in the tenth season of his drag-Queens competition that started on the LGBT Logo TV channel.Eve is a follower."Everyone looks at" Drag Race "!There is a guy in the college, he wants to be drag-quen.Me, sometimes I imagine myself as a boy.»» Adam regarde aussi."Since Trump has passed, it has become a figure of resistance.»»
Deconstruction obviously makes any authority pale.Eve: "For the end of year party in college last year, you had to disguise yourself on the theme: represent your country.We, girls, we came to Miss France and Alexander, he got into Miss America since his mother is American.»» Alexander : « Ouais, j’étais en pute américaine, alors que tous les garçons étaient en footballeurs.The teachers did not like it, I had a remark when we started dancing. Forcément, tu bouges les fesses…»»
« Dans la communauté LGBT, être bisexuel, c’est mal vu, je discute avec certains, ils n’aiment pas nos histoires de bi et de polyamoureux»», raconte Jean.There was a time when the gay community needed to structure itself, to appear grouped to face a hostile society, then the ravages of AIDS.She looks, circumspect, the deliberate vagueness of this fraction of current youth who almost no longer talks about the disease.They are according to.
"Homosexuals needed to protect themselves, to clearly say that they were gay.To distribute roles, liabilities, assets.It’s easier to give yourself a role in having a precise image of your identity. Dans la séduction, on vend quelque chose, il faut que l’image soit précise pour qu’on ne crée pas le flou chez l’autre»», explique Adam qui se présente comme gay passif et bi.
or metapapartenaire.Among the polyamoureux, this is one of the partners of your partner.You don't necessarily know him, but you know his existence. Il peut être « éphémère»» ou « permanent»».He often triggers jealousy, it is the great subject of polyamoureux who have grown and live in a world that only tolerates one.
Heard in the back room of polyamatrous coffee.Luke: "Difficult not to feel guilty of the jealousy of others, even if it is not rational.»» Louise : « La jalousie nous place dans une situation de grande insécurité, une perte, un abandon de l’enfance.You have to rework your injuries.»» Paul : « Si Isa me dit : “Je t’aime, j’ai vu quelqu’un, je t’aime."It's much cooler to accept a new meta.»» Stéphane : « Je suis un polyamoureux hiérarchique.I need to feel with my main partner that I have a special place for her.And, when I enter into contact with someone, I clearly say that I am a hierarchical polyamatrum, the person must know what to expect.»»
To find out more, they recommend reading the ethical slut, published in 1997 by two Americans, Dossie Easton and Janet W.Hardy, pioneers of polyamour.
Parce qu’au collège c’est « hypertendance»» de se dire pan, raconte Eve.P like Pansexual. « Ça veut dire tomber amoureux d’une personne quel que soit son genre»», définit Jean (voir G).
"But, well, it's true that it's like bisexual (see B), recognizes Eve, it's just more trendy to say pan.»» « S’il n’y avait pas tant de codes, on serait beaucoup plus bisexuel. Si on basait nos vies sur l’échange, le plaisir… Nos pratiques sexuelles viennent de l’idée qu’on a de nous-mêmes et de l’image que les gens ont de nous»», assure Adam. « Il y a plus de filles qui se disent pan, elles sont plus ouvertes»», dit Alexander.
« Sur Insta, y a plein de gens de notre âge qui disent “Je suis pan» devant un drapeau LGBT»», dit Eve.On Facebook, read this, posted by an American friend in the photo of a boy-daughter couple of about 24 years old."Here is Thomas, our daughter's first boyfriend when she was in fourth, and Rae, our daughter's first girlfriend, when she was in second.They lived with us at different periods and we have always considered them our children, even if they have amazing parents.They have been in a relationship for a few years and will get married in November. On a hâte d’y être !»»
En introduction du café des polyamoureux, il est précisé : « cet espace n’est pas un espace de drague»».They are there to speak, share, confide in.The bodies are not tense, not dressed in seduction mode.We could be in a philosophy cafe.
Sex seems secondary, even if it is a question of multiple partners.It’s like it’s more about challenging a standard than enjoying without hindrances.They are all eager for respect, difference, transparency.Honesty.Consent.Here, as at Night Standing or Act Up, we applaud in sign language by making puppets.You can even show your solidarity or compassion by joining two fingers above your head.
They have nothing of the libertines, they are rather libertarians rid of militant tension and concentrated on an enlarged intimate sphere.Their multiple stories do not draw a hunting board.Jean: "I don't like the idea of sex with someone for whom I feel nothing.I take less pleasure.»» Il est allé voir sur OkCupid, un site de rencontres où le profil de chacun est si précis que le site est très prisé des polys et des transgenres.
"I can't.I went to the appointment, but I understood that I couldn't with people I didn't appreciate.I do not understand of sharing such intimate things.There is this idea of sexual performance, especially the first time, it worries me a lot.So, the blow of an evening is not for me. La virilité, c’est un concept que je ne comprends pas trop»» (voir V).
He floats among all these words which no longer want to distinguish the IL from her, the friendship of love, the lover of the lover, of the desiring but full of reasoning, almost wise, in a too competitive world.They never talk about porn, which has however taken a considerable place in the sexual awakening of the majority of young people.They flee performance and domination.Sexuality no longer revolves around penetration, it becomes both freer and softer.
Vera, who talks about it so much, has known nothing yet: "I have always felt an emergency to define myself.I like to have an attraction, to get closer, but then I feel like it is decreasing.I realize that the more I approach, the less I am interested.I never had a story yet.»»
Adam, the tenor, shows the bottom of his belly: "The voice comes from the muscles, from their contraction, it starts in the perineum, which is also the area of desire and sexual pleasure.The song really makes it accept what I am at a given moment.And it also makes you think about life.I do not say "I want to arrive at such a note".Every day, I get up, I wonder what is the state of my body, will it answer?You have to be humble in relation to the immediate things and pleasures offered.»»
Word shaded or missing in the mouths of those questioned.»
With the world ...
