Do you have to love your family? - Magicmaman.com

“When my parents asked me to make an effort with my family, I said that, for me, it was like going to give a big hug to the neighbor when I see a times a year when we take out the garbage at the same time.“ Nora is 26 years old and she assumes: apart from her father, her mother and her sister, she is not close at all to her family. "I have no hatred against them but let's say that I greet them politely. When I see them, my every move is calculated. We must stop saying that blood ties weigh more in the balance than friendship ties. If we are not in a process of real mutual affection, we do not have to build anything.“ Finally, this discourse is quite frequent but few are those who dare to carry it. How to explain it?

Not loving your family is taboo!

For a long time, family and marriage had little to do with feelings. These links were maintained by respect and by a certain number of duties. “With the development of individualism, constraints were less well tolerated and we began to place love above the rest, explains psychologist Agnès Verroust. This sentimentality is relatively modern. However, it is not necessarily blood ties that induce feelings - the proof with adoption.“ For reasons of education, shared values ​​(“the family is sacred!“) or simply affinities, some families are closer than others. “A taboo persists because the family is a value in our society that is difficult to question, comments the specialist, insofar as, if we can change neighbors or friends, we cannot change family. We say to ourselves that we have to deal with it.“ A mission that turns out to be difficult when the current is no longer flowing… or there is electricity in the air.

"I've cut ties with my father and it's a huge relief"

For the third year in a row, Victoria refuses to spend Christmas with her parents. “My father has been toxic since childhood, and I never got along with him, confides the 28-year-old young woman. I know it affects my mom a lot but I decided not to spend the holidays with them anymore. Christmas has always been a disastrous memory because either my father was in a very bad mood and things were going badly, or we were only the four of us with my brother, we had dinner quite early, we opened the presents and then everyone went to their room. , which was not very happy. I cut ties with my father a year ago now and it's a huge relief. I decided to stop pretending, and my brother is about to follow the same path. Although it makes my mother sad, I don't regret it because I feel much better like that.“

Family reunions: why does it get stuck?

The reasons for not getting along with your family are many, ranging from simple differences of opinion to abuse. "When you don't love your family, it's usually because they're in the wrong," says Agnès Verroust. There is abuse, but mostly malevolence, unfortunately, which I observe much more often than I find acceptable. It can be parents who do not tolerate their son's homosexuality, their daughter's sex life, or brothers and sisters who are jealous or have a total lack of affinity, sometimes because of the age difference. “In these situations, should you make more efforts with your loved ones than you would with your friends? “I don't know if we have to, replies the psychologist, but, in any case, when we feel obliged to participate in such and such an event, especially at the end of the year, it clearly requires more effort than to go to a party with friends.“ According to her, it may be necessary to “take it easy“ when the problem concerns only one member of the group. “I would say that there is no reason to deprive yourself and the whole family of a moment of celebration because of one person. But if the conflict is general, of course, there is no reason to force yourself.“

How to deal with your misogynistic uncle or racist cousin

If, despite all your apprehensions, you have decided to maintain the link, you may find yourself at the table, facing your uncle not very feminist and your racist cousin. Not easy, in these cases, to keep your cool. “Before debating, I would advise taking into account the ability of the other to hear your arguments, and your own abilities to develop them, warns Agnès Verroust. When you always hear the same catchphrases, you can expect it and why not prepare some well-felt replies that will reduce the interlocutor to silence. But at the time of the holidays, especially when we have had a little drink, our emotional management is less good.“ In short, think carefully before speaking… because you could regret it.

Cutting ties with your family: the fear of regret

Indeed, regret and guilt are two feelings frequently cited in testimonies on the subject. Alexandra, for example, blames herself for not feeling a strong attachment to her family. “Overall, I don't miss them and I don't feel any particular sadness at not being with my family, she says. I think I don't like them enough, but I ask myself the question: am I a good person? Is it normal to be like this? Am I not going to regret it when they die? I also tell myself that my grandmother is getting older, that my mother had a stroke this year, and that spending Christmas with them is 'the thing to do', which is expected of me…“ On hearing this testimony , Agnès Verroust reacts immediately to the question of the death of relatives. “It’s something that gets said a lot when we talk about family disputes. There's always someone who's going to say 'You'll regret it when he or she is gone'. But this is not true. What we will regret is not having done the maximum. If one has the impression of having given what one had to give and that the other did not hang on, one should not feel guilty“. And our specialist concludes: “A single person should not feel responsible for all the failures of his family.“