Testimonial: I suffered 4 miscarriages - Magicmaman.com
By Marine Chassang FilipeUpdated on ShareSend by e-mail I certify that I do not send unwanted e-mailsNathalie, 38, is the mother of a 3 and a half year old boy. Since trying for a second child, she has already suffered 4 miscarriages. She shares her story to lift the veil on these painful moments that many women are living in silence today.“My long-awaited first boy arrived like a gift from heaven on this beautiful day in September 2017. With his dad, very quickly, we wanted to give him a little brother or a little sister. It's true that I always wanted to have a big family.
I got pregnant in January 2019, my son is just over a year old. I'm happy and nauseous. The first echo arrives, I am lying on the table when I hear: “I have bad news. “I instantly think of a disability, but not for a single second that there is no more baby. A sentence that my gynecologist had said to me at the beginning of my first pregnancy comes back to me: “We don’t get carried away. Of course it is, it's wonderful to be pregnant. “The baby’s heart stopped. “At this precise moment, I know that I will never get carried away again.
A curettage in maternity
The second I find out about it, I only want one thing: to have it taken away from me, to get it out of my body when five minutes before, in the waiting room, I dreamed of myself with him. An in-clinic curettage under general anesthesia is scheduled the next day. “Do you want to breastfeed? “, these words wake me up after the operation, a nurse speaks to a young woman at my side. I wonder if she gave birth by caesarean section, there is no baby.
I got pregnant again in December 2019. I'm happy, I believe it, but a few days later, I have stomach cramps and bleeding. The days pass, the pain increases. Deep down, I know what it is, even if I convince myself otherwise. Ultrasound reveals that the embryo is dead. The doctor pulls it out by hand, along with my pain.
Paying to expel your baby
I activate the mode “I hold on even if I no longer believe in it”, I change gynecologists. I was advised one, reputed to help women get pregnant. Then begins a whole battery of examinations which reveal nothing abnormal. I would have preferred the opposite, to find a solution to my problem. I am getting pregnant in September 2020 and I am getting closer to the hope of becoming a mother for the second time. I have few memories of this period… I learn very quickly that it is a clear egg. The doctor gives me a pill and a glass of water, then prescribes me another medicine to pick up at the pharmacy to “help” me expel the embryo. I leave the office with my tears and my prescription. The pharmacist asks me for her due and tells me, uncomfortably, that this drug is not reimbursed. I am in shock. Not for the amount, just for the principle. I pay to get my baby out of my body. It's just crazy.
Pregnant but not happy
I now have two options: either I mope or I pick myself up and do everything in my power to have this baby. I am a fighter, I choose the second and get pregnant two months later. As with every pregnancy, I have symptoms, I who no longer want to project myself... OK, and then what? Getting pregnant is no longer a problem for me. "At least it works, you're not sterile!" “, I repeat myself. I know, but I'm not there anymore. I'm not happy with this fifth pregnancy, I'm just scared. I didn't even tell my mom. I talk to my baby to ask him to hang on, so he knows I'm a good mom, but I'm not calm. The gynecologist suspects an ectopic pregnancy. I learn in the emergency room that it is not an EP, but the gestational sac is still small compared to the stage of pregnancy and my history does not bode well. I pray with all my strength, my doctor sees the embryo well but doubts its size. "See you in a week." Seven awful days. We go back there, he makes us listen to his heart but… “He hasn’t grown up, he won’t last”. I am 10 weeks amenorrhea. I don't want a curettage, he prescribes the famous pills. I take them on this morning of January 7 with, in the background, the song “We” by Julien Doré. Two hours later, I'm bleeding and the same evening, I'm screaming.
The bleeding continues for several days. An ultrasound reveals "debris", the doctor removes them, but it does not stop. After three weeks, on the way to school, I feel completely empty. There's blood everywhere, I'm traumatized, my son is next. Head to the emergency room, they ask me when I gave birth. It's a hemorrhage. My body was letting me go little by little, it just collapsed. The question of curettage arises. Instead, I received a blood transfusion and I was hospitalized for 48 hours in a maternity hospital... In the bedroom, the small bathtub and the changing table remind me that I did not have a baby. At night, I hear those of the neighbors crying...
This fourth miscarriage is the most violent and it is also the one that made me want to cry out my distress to the whole world, and not just to my loved ones. Today, I am not giving up, even though I know that I will never experience a serene pregnancy again. I am sad because there is something missing in my life. My husband's suffering is not very visible but very real too. He wants to remain a support on which I lean. My body is exhausted, I decided to listen to it more. He's the one in control.
Lift the veil on miscarriage
You have to have experienced a miscarriage to understand it. More than a pain, it is a fight to be waged vis-à-vis the society that makes it a taboo. There is no shame in losing a child. At this very moment, I would prefer a big hug rather than being told "nature is good, your baby was not viable", "be happy, you already have a child", or even "this is not wasn't really a baby,” including from caregivers who make a miscarriage a trivial matter without considering the one who suffers it. A movement has been created around the postpartum which is not easy to live with, the same should be done with miscarriages. Let society mobilize so that the women who experience this tragedy know that they are not alone, that it is not their fault, that they have the right to be in pain, so that they do not have not to find themselves in a maternity ward surrounded by young mothers, so that psychological follow-up is no longer an option. Just because she can't see it doesn't mean the pain isn't deep. »
Miscarriage: to help you
The Agapa association offers reception, listening and support following the death of a baby around birth or a pregnancy that has not could be completed. association-agapa.fr
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